abyssdressing | (no subject)

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[ it's always great to wake up and find yourself randomly on the couch. randomly without clothes. and randomly a male again. it was the oddest feeling in the world, really, and once the disappointment of his once bountiful chest being gone passes him by...

he runs outside, throws his arms up in triumph, and has no real qualms with screaming loud enough to wake the dead. all while still very naked. ]

MY DICK IS BACK! PRAISE JESUS!

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What...?

Say that to the person who cared for you and was responsible for raising you for a good part of your life.

Nah...this isn't your fault. You know, there's only so much you can do for someone else's happiness.

And if I have to blame anyone, you'll probably be content that it's my own father.

Whatever, Luke. Just... Whatever.

Take care of that little Asch. Don't leave her alone at all. I'm sorry I was such a hardass about her, but I get the feeling that if I get involved, I'll do something wrong or maybe scare her or...I don't know. I'm just afraid she won't like me.

I hope you know that you make me irrationally angry.

Nnh...

Why do you always fucking do this? You leave the real reasons until the last god damn second to guilt me out of feeling whatever way I did. That is no way to keep a relationship together, and I'm so sick of it.

I really don't mean to. It's just easier in my head to, well, lie to myself.

While lying to me. What happened to no secrets?

That's the problem. I start believing my own shit and I only realize that I should really stop doing that when you get angry.

How many times have you done it by now? I can't live like this, Luke, I can't. No matter how much I love you, I can't deal with the constant fights and constantly feeling inadequate.

I know. I guess I...[And just quiets down. Not wanting to finish that sentence]

[Go figure, iTunes plays the most depressing songs I own for this. -_-]

You will find someone else. Someone better for you.

[ a-aww. >: ]

Please...don't say that, alright? I sort of don't want to hear it.

It's better than begging you not to kill yourself.

...

What if I begged you like a worm to let me stay?

What?

I don't know. I'm feeling pathetic enough to get down on my knees, promise to change and actually do it, and try to work this out.

...

I don't think a relationship between us could honestly work. You can stay here all you want, but...

It was...worth a try.

I just don't understand how you could love me so much one second, and then don't the other. I guess you never loved me, if you could change your mind so quickly.

I still love you tremendously, Luke. I just can't take the stress this relationship brings me any longer. Your initial refusal to allow me to take care of Asch really hurt, especially when it sounded like you wanted me to force her into an abortion. I can't deal with that emotional strain. I'm a lot more "miserable" than I put on, you know. Being a complete dick is my way of coping.

I apologize for that, I just didn't know how to act...I still can't believe she's pregnant. [Brings a hand to brush at his bangs. He's been thinking about that girl all damn day, not coming up with anything intelligent to do.]

It's difficult to just take back what you've said.

I know there is no way to do that. That's the deal with words.

[Looks up at the ceiling and sighs]